


Love Again

by flightlesscrow



Category: Free!
Genre: Anxiety, M/M, based on song kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-15
Updated: 2017-03-15
Packaged: 2018-10-05 19:34:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10315442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flightlesscrow/pseuds/flightlesscrow
Summary: Nagisa's having some trouble with his anxiety again, and in the process pushes Rei away to try and deal with it alone. The thing is, he doesn't want to push away everyone or have his anxious thoughts controlling his life. How can he deal with his anxiety without having to push away everyone he loves in the process?





	

“Nagisa.” Rei’s voice on the voice mail held emotions that Nagisa couldn’t pick apart, but it wasn’t something happy from what he could tell. “You’re pushing me away again. But why? I thought we moved past this. Please call me back and we can discuss it further.”   
  
_If only I_ could, _Rei-chan,_ Nagisa thought. He didn’t know why he was even doing it this time. It’s not like he was afraid of anyone knowing he and Rei were together. It wasn’t that he didn’t want his family to find out or anything. Most people knew anyways. ‘Why?’ had been Rei’s question, and Nagisa’s only response was; ‘Why indeed?’

It isn’t that he wanted to push Rei away. It was more accurate to say that he didn’t know how to deal with Rei being so close. Even Makoto and Haruka never could get close to Nagisa, never could get him to open up to them and get him to tell them if he had an issue or what he was thinking. Rei was the first person to ever truly break down his defensive walls, and it frightened him enough to put them back up again as quickly as possible.

He knew that letting people in like that was dangerous, yet something about Rei made him want to let down his defenses and not hold anything back. He knew it wasn’t a smart thing to do, yet he couldn’t help it.

The first time it happened, Rei enlisted the help of Makoto, Haruka, Gou, and even Rin to try and figure out what was wrong with Nagisa. Nagisa realized then how much Rei truly cared for him, if he’d go out of his way to gather everyone who was important to Nagisa to try and help him. That became apparent to Nagisa, and so he let down his walls once again, letting Rei be close to him once more.

But his thoughts crept in as they always did, and seized control of his rational thinking. He couldn’t help but think that Rei would eventually get tired of him and walk out on him, so it would be better to shut him out and prevent that pain before it could hurt him. It would hurt now, he knew, to push Rei away, but he also knew that it’d hurt far worse later when Rei abandoned him.   
  
He knew it was irrational to think that way. Rei has said multiple times that he wouldn’t leave Nagisa, and yet Nagisa couldn’t help but obsess over the possibility that it’d happen. He knew he was being paranoid. He knew he was hurting the people around him when he got this way. But he couldn’t help it, and didn’t know how to make it stop.

So he did what he knew how to do best. Pushed everyone, specifically Rei, away. He was certain this time that Rei would have had enough and would leave him.

However, Rei had a tendency to surprise Nagisa with most everything he did. Nagisa was shocked to hear the message, almost enough to call Rei then and there. But he didn’t.

 _Maybe if I pretend I never got it, he’ll drop the issue,_ Nagisa reasoned. In the back of his mind he knew that it was unlikely that that scenario would prevail. The voice of reason that had been pushed into the back of his mind turned out to be correct when he got a call from Rei about thirty minutes after he got the voice mail.

Nagisa debated answering, but ultimately did in the end.

“Hello? Nagisa, is that you?” Rei’s worried voice came through the phone’s speaker.

“Yeah. It’s me.” Nagisa surprised himself with how flat his voice sounded. Even when he got like he currently was, it wasn’t like him to not have at least some emotion in his voice when he spoke.

“Can you come unlock the door? I came over, I hope that’s okay,” Rei said. Nagisa nodded, but remembered that Rei couldn’t see him. Instead of responding, though, he hung up and went to unlock the door.

Sure enough, there stood Rei. He was alone this time, unlike the last time this had happened. Nagisa stepped aside and let Rei into his house. 

“Make yourself comfortable. I’ll get us some drinks. Do you want tea?” Nagisa asked, already walking back towards his kitchen when he felt Rei grip his wrist to prevent him from going any further.

“No, that’s alright. I’m more concerned about you right now. Can we talk?” Rei asked, voice pleading as well as his eyes. Nagisa could only look for a second; the intense emotions in Rei’s eyes stirred emotions in him that he wasn’t ready to deal with quite yet.

Nagisa led Rei to the living room and sat him down, while he sat across the room from him.

“What did you want to talk about?” He asked quietly, avoiding making eye contact.

“Why have you been avoiding me lately? You’re pushing me away again and I don’t understand why.”

Nagisa didn’t respond to that. Truthfully, he had no good response to the question.

“Well?”  
  
“I don’t know, okay?” Nagisa said quietly. “I just, I don’t know. I can’t explain it.”   
  
Now it was Rei’s turn to sit there quietly. Nagisa snuck a peek at him. He looked deep in thought.

“Is it because you don’t like me anymore? Did I do something wrong?” Rei asked. He looked right into Nagisa’s eyes, the glint in his own eyes challenging Nagisa to give a proper response.

“No, it isn’t that. I just…”  
  
“You just what?”   
  
“I’m scared.”   
  
Rei blinked once, twice, three times, before sighing. “Scared of what?”   
  
“Um,” Nagisa said, stalling to think about how to phrase it.

“Scared of _what,_ Nagisa?”

“I’m scared of getting hurt, I guess.” Nagisa had averted his gaze again, refusing to look Rei in the face anymore.

“What? Why?” Rei didn’t fully understand. Nagisa knew he wouldn’t unless he explained what he was thinking.

“Just, be quiet for a second. I’ll explain everything as best I can, but it still might not make any sense…” Nagisa took a deep breath, hesitantly looking at Rei before looking away again, and exhaled.

“I’m afraid that one day, you’ll decide you’re sick of me, and you’ll get tired of me and abandon me.” Rei looked like he was about to protest, so Nagisa went on before he could do so. “I know that’s irrational, and you likely wouldn’t do such a thing, but I can’t stop thinking about the possibility that it _will_ happen. I don’t mean to worry you. I don’t mean to push you away.

“It’s just that, the thoughts I’m having tell me that it’d be easier to push you away now and only hurt a little bit rather than wait and get fully invested and have you leave, which will make the pain ten times worse. I don’t want to push you away, but I don’t want to get hurt, either. I just don’t know what to do about it and it’s stressing me out. I can’t really control those thoughts, but I wish I could because they don’t bring anything but pain, y’know?”   
  
Nagisa’s heart was racing after telling that to Rei. He was too scared of Rei’s reaction to look up and try to guess what Rei was thinking. If he could get rid of the thoughts and eliminate the issue  easily then he would have done so already and not have had to go through the pain that came with the thoughts and the anxiety that came with telling someone about them.

“I know it’s stupid, and I understand if I sound crazy and you want to leave. I won’t stop you. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.” Rei’s voice sounded closer than earlier, and Nagisa looked up to see Rei walking towards him. Rei smiled softly and held out a hand to Nagisa.

Nagisa took Rei’s hand and Rei pulled him to his feet while using his free arm to pull him into a tight hug. Nagisa gasped quietly. He hadn’t prepared for this outcome.

“Don’t be sorry for having thoughts you can’t control and feelings you don’t know how to deal with. Frankly, I’m sorry I didn’t realize sooner how much you were struggling.”  
  
“No, it’s okay, really, I’m fi-”   
  
“Shh. You’re not fine, don’t pretend to be, okay? It’s alright. You don’t have to be happy and feeling okay all the time. I’m here for you and I’ll stand by you even on your bad days. I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”   
  
“Thank you, Rei. But I still don’t know how to deal with this anxiety.”   
  
“If you want, we can try going to see a specialist about it? A counselor or therapist might be able to help you understand it and overcome it better than I could. Not that I won’t try to help, but there’s only so much I can do. But I do promise to stand with you the whole time. I’ll be here for you.”   
  
“I understand. Thanks, Rei-chan.” Nagisa said, bringing his arms around to hug Rei back. He smiled, feeling for once that he could get through this without having to push away everyone he loves in the process.  
  
“No need to thank me, Nagisa. No need at all.”

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from Love Again by Pentatonix. this was requested by a friend of mine on tumblr. 
> 
> If you liked this, you can leave a comment or reach me @ flightless-crow on tumblr or @ flight.less.crow on instagram!


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